I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone else says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

 

(Wicked - Defying Gravity)

(in need of self booster to inject courage to myself....)

"The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” -Thomas Merton

your silence is deafening.  I really want to say that there's nothing to fear. but I'm not suppose to know, hence there is nothing I can say... it gets really lonely this way though. the silence is putting me in a corner on my own. sad. 

And it's broke before you know it,  
Before you knew what it was for  
All you know is you can't fix it  
And you wish you listened more 
To your instincts, to your family  
To the wisdom you'd ignored  
When you finally gonna ask us -- for help?
  
...
But the tears have never dried  
But I'm not coming to you like this  
So batter down and sad 
I will take the road forgotten  
Again

 

SNOW PATROL - THE PRESIDENT

Went back to the 80s yesterday....this is a haunting one....

Who's gonna tell you when,
It's too late,
Who's gonna tell you things,
Aren't so great

You can't go on, thinkin',
Nothings' wrong, 
Who's gonna drive you home,
Tonight? 
(Drive, The Cars)


"To me, this song is about realizing a mistake and theres no way to change, fix, or go back on it. Whats worse, theres no one there to know, help, or even feel sorry for you. You wanna tell someone but can't... for personal reasons or even not knowing where to begin. That all being said, i think we all need to experience that feeling sooner or later. Its a part of life."

Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3458764513820547928/#4sGMseQC6SiAfjSY.99

(funny...when you are trying to sort out your shits, you get so contemplative and inspired...)

i basically lack wisdom, punto.  been thinking about one hundred and one things i could have done differently.  for one thing, i should be more discreet.  honestly i try to. if this was not in some other country, i would honestly mentioned a lot of things to more people.  but here, i think i really keep other people's outburst to myself.  but for daily conversation, and humor, believe it or not, i think there is still a line to what i could say (might be my imagination...but yes...there is still that limitation.  oh how i miss home, my own friends, and my own language).

i'm soooooooo complicated that even i don't understand myself.  just saw Adele's clip and she said that she usually finds out what she is feeling by her song.  i think i find out how i really feel through my reaction.  the chattier i am, means happy.  good first reaction to something, means i am excited.  i am totally an open book for everyone to read.  quiet is feeling of discomfort and when something is wrong.  i am a total procrastinator, so i usually run away from things, situation, discomfort...all.

i need to really acknowledge some of my first reaction and take it as the true feeling, and work with it.  as a procrastinator, i usually wait and think that i don't know how i feel about somethings. or that i can sort out my feelings later, and time will change how i feel.  but i honestly think that this is a total lie.  some feelings or situation are hard to handle.  but somebody told me that acknowledging your feeling is the first step.

(wow...reading this, ....damaged good i am...*yikes*)

I thought I knew myself, somehow you know me more

I’ve never known this, never before

You’re the first to make up whenever we argue

I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t know you

Gosh I'm so mellow these days it's driving me crazy... Self doubt in this fucking new city is like a landmine. wrong word, wrong step, wrong timing......BOOM!!


And the whole world
Is on your case

..thought that when this happens, I could just run away.  it seems the more the world is gaining on me, the more I need the world now....*tears*

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't 

 confident level: ZERO.


PS: I'll be reading this entry again and feel ashamed on how pathetic I am...

believe it or not, i absolutely don't know how i get where i am. i'm no where near smart,...i'm lazy, and very much a procrastinator. it took two supervisors (yes, unbelievably two people liked my research idea), to tell me not to dwell on my own problems, for me to come out of my shell. i am now surrounded with smart and motivated people willing to help, it scares me.....yelppp...... it seems years of autodiduct will not work to my advantage this time around ....*nervous*

so, i am back to school. and it's beginning to hit me.

took like 3-4 days just to work on temporary housing for my colleague. budget was tight. and it's different from days when i was working. in those days, someone was paying (even sometimes somebody was doing the booking for me). budget tight, and i was thinking of conveniences, and that is not a good combination when having to make decision.

and my colleague, working with me, doesn't have the working experience as i do. we were a bit pissed off from a website that automatically took from his credit card, while i thought usually you just give your cc number and they will deduct after you stay there. i told him, we should just book in a 5-star hotel, because they don't deduct automatically. and he said, he doesn't have experience in a 5 star hotel...man!...a bit of a shocker.

i'm in school with school people, no high end researcher slash consultants...hahaha... *sigh* back to school days...

PS: and at this time, i am soo excited listening to work traveling of friend..hahhaa...

what is it with the still of the night that makes your brain work? my mom has been pecking (or should i say bitching) on the fact i am turning my nights into days and days into nights. luckily i could keep my mouth closed on this one, because honestly i don't know why. is it the stillness of the night or the fact that tomorrow there is expectation that you need to meet?? one or the other, it works ....though sometimes it doesn't.....errr.....more times, really, it doesn't....like now :-(

Happy New Year 2012!

the beginning of 2011 i wrote about getting ready for changes...goodness, 2011 and even early this new year i think changes has been turning so rapidly. some are good and some are bad, but there are also those which you yet to figure out and hoping at the end it goes to the side of good or even wonderful news... it is always good to know a god is out there, the one that understand that there is no way you could understand yourself, people, life, (and so on)..., the one that gives you that understanding, the one that you could trust, the one that is always taking the first initiative, the one that humbles you...

for 2012, on a rather practical note, i would like to learn to find my patronus and projecting it in daily problem (or even the severe problems)...so help me god! ¡feliz año nuevo todos!

when i was in junior class, for final exam of PE class we had to compete in a one-on-one badminton game. unfortunately I choose someone better than I am. the first set, my teacher was there, believe it or not, he was actually rooting for me. my friend won, but not so much. the second set, my PE teacher left the game to do something else (mmm...it was an exam, where did he go. well i remember another friend taking the score), and I lost not long in the game and with significant difference in the score. i remembering noticing that about myself. that i am those guys that needs encouragement.

here, now, working on my proposal, I just had a session where my colleagues could point out the impact of my work or what I am planning to do, much more then what I tried to define. wow...that was a good lifted-up... one, they have faith in me. two, they were actually listening to me...hahhaha...

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.

(Author Unknown)

am such a pig today. woke-up around 5am today because somebody from Indonesia text me about work related. checked my email, and a chocolate croissant. it so happens I stored some croissant yesterday. so, replied email while still in bed, then ate another croissant.

woke up to get ready for conference call. (and i don't remember) if I ate another croissant with puding or...

at about 11 I was aready hungry. work talk is so exhausting. ate pasta, left over auborgine (terong balado), and tempeh kecap. left for an apointment at the health center to take care of my medical card here.

it was a nice day after my visit to the doctor. the doctor has been planning to come to Indonesia. so, as I was in good health (estoy bien!), it was me giving her a consultation on tourist destination in Indonesia. interesting...

head home, stopped by the local vegetable store, venduleria, bought myself some banana for frying/french plaintain (pisang tanduk). there is only this one stall near home which have them. if you go to the larger stores/supermarket, they don't have them. and half of a pumpkin. originally thinking I would make kolak.

arrived home, thought of making grilled banana instead. did one pisang tanduk, and ate it with puding again :-)

and just now I just ate omelette with mozarella. and is feeling very full. don't know where today's appetite came from.

handwriting, signiture, and me

Thanks for taking a look at things here to see our Mini-HW read. You report that your signature tends to be moderate to large compared to the rest of your writing, slant tends to be slightly to the right, and the slope tends to be slightly upward. Examining the signature and printed name as separate entities, you said your printed name is very different from your signature . Then in the main handwriting section, you indicate that the roundness / sharpness of your hand is usually fairly rounded... quite softish / loopy, your use of writing/printing is usually just Printing, general slant is just barely to the right, and slope is pretty straight, or flat.
Using the above information, then: You don't particularly like to stand out in the world, and prefer to just get on with being who you are. You can be quite reasonably confident and satisfied with self, and though not willing to make grand entrances or exits, will still find time to "glow" a little out there in the limelight. Your general outlook on life is positive and you tend to be optimistic. You can take it or leave it when party invitation time comes around. That is, some you will take, and others you will kindly decline. Hmmm... So you like to be one person out in the world and another person in the privacy of your own space, eh? Interesting. Does that also mean that you have multiple personalities? (Probably not but then... who knows!? You could be a hard one to figure out! ;-)
Lone Rangers often keep a bit of distance between themselves and others. Do you ever hear people define You as a Lone Ranger? Or is it that you're more of what some might define as "a creative force of the next generation!" Either way, you don't mind straying from that straight and narrow path, shall we say, so you get good marks for originality! I guess that you must be something of a sentimentalist, eh? Do people ever say, "Oh, yeah: You can really be an old softie sometimes! A real kind soul." But then, this can get you into trouble sometimes, too, though, because you can have a difficult time saying "No!" and can feel guilty for not being All things to All People!!The term Good Little Girl / Good Little Boy springs to mind because you tend to not like to go too much against the grain of society where rules of engagement are involved. You'd prefer to be safe than sorry, and don't like to run too much off the beaten path, so as to avoid being noticed as standing out from the crowd.

i love this city. though i wonder if it is me that have change somewhat. i was loving jakarta a bit when i left. i think it might be me, slowing down the pace, had time to walk and enjoy walking (up until my blackberry was mugged)...anyway, i love this city...when tired. bored. i could just go outside no matter the time, and take the first bus to whatever. or go bicing. or walk. or just sit with the abuela and abuelo. the city is beautiful. every corner has it's own hidden treasure sight. i am still amazed to find old building in the middle of random apartments. or classic corners in the middle of strip malls.

but the weather is getting cold. one has to hurry to get out of the cold ....*sigh* and so it seems research work is also catching up :-( but, i love this city....

met with one of the associate researchers here, he was the one giving us the talk on anthropometrics. it was funny, when we met we were in the process of doing the admin stuff for a couple of days, then he might have heard about. so when we met, and casually he ask how I was, I answered "good" hesitantly while looking at my friends. people started laughing, understanding my hesitance.

so we talked, then I tried to explain my hesitance. I said, I didn't want to sound insincere with a simple good while in reality there was a lot going on. but then he said, something like, OK lets see: do you have clothes? yes, I answered. home? yes, comfortable and warm. food? yes. affection? yes, I said. while thinking what does affection mean? I am a new person in a new country, does strangers affection count? or should I just say no, I don't have affection.. but then he will feel sorry, and I would have to deal with that. bla bla..bla...

so, do I have affection? I'm actually at that part of being in a new place where you have friends but.... it's just not yet comfortable, you know what I mean?

I find affection* -or maybe appreciation- in emails I got from home by people offfering job possibility...funny, how you find joy in tedious things...

today I told a temen pulang/traveling home partner that I am going home ahead of her because I still want to see the sun when I arrive in Barcelona...hahhaha... (see picture: Bellaterra is UAB, and Barcelona is home). I kind of like the silence in going home alone ...so I think that was a very good reason...

but, it is true, I do want to see the sun when I get home. I don't want to arrive from the metro tunnel to see the outside world dark :-(

what do I do when I get home? if not walking around but usually ending up shoping, I come back and cook. today I am trying a plantine pie. Found the recipe in the web. I accidentally have plantine in my hands. I was going to make a dessert from Indonesia, named kolak, which has banana but sweet ones not plantines. I bought the plantine while thinking that is not the right banana. good thing not far I saw the kind of banana I needed. But then, what to do with the plantine.

A friend told me that it is usually fried and ate with cheese. I went to search online, so the one that is ate like that is the green plantine. While I had in my hands some very ripe plantines.

so followed this recipe:

RIPE PLANTAIN MINCE PIE

Addendum (29/09/2011): recipe no good. ripe plantine in this veggie pie, no good. without plantine would actually be better.

indicator that this will not be easy and has not been easy for predecessors... it was hang in the office.

i have been running around doing administrative work for scholarship here at school. and wondering why it is so hard working out problems here, and why does it seem i am more vulnerable here than i am at home? and i come to realise the importance of understanding situation, culture, people. not only do i not understand the language, i also can't read between the lines. i can't read situation -when to push and when to fall back. i really on people, and when these people that i think i can really on gives signals that they are bothered, ...then you are very much fu$#ed :-(

right now, i really am feeling not at home, and come to appreciate what "feeling at home" is like. Barcelona, today you suck big time!!